


My Sunshine, Your Rain Cloud

by SouthernBlueJay



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), Flash - Fandom, Legends of Tomorrow, The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Barry Allen - Freeform, Brief self harm, Captain Cold - Freeform, Established Relationship, Eventual Smut, Fix It, Legends of Tomorrow - Freeform, Leonard Snart - Freeform, M/M, Pain, Post S1 LoT, Sad Barry Allen, Sadness, Slow Burn, The Flash - Freeform, The Oculus, lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2020-07-19 23:16:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19982185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthernBlueJay/pseuds/SouthernBlueJay
Summary: Barry Allen was a literal ray of sunshine. His smile lit up every room he entered and it was impossible not to feel better by simply being near him.Leonard Snart was a literal rain cloud. He could clear a room with a look and tended to make all those around him feel uneasy, never knowing what he was going to do next.The two men shouldn't have worked so well together, but they did. The yin to the others yang, two halves of a whole, destined to be together. Until they weren't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first attempt at writing fan fiction, so please be patient with me!  
> :)

Barry Allen was a literal ray of sunshine. His smile lit up every room he entered and it was impossible not to feel better by simply being near him.

Leonard Snart was a literal rain cloud. He could clear a room with a look and tended to make all those around him feel uneasy, never knowing what he was going to do next.

The two men shouldn't have worked so well together, but they did. The yin to the others yang, two halves of a whole, destined to be together. Until they weren't.

Len was late. He was never late, Barry was the one who was never on time. 'Fastest man alive, Scarlet, yet I'm always the one waiting on you. It's a good job you're worth waiting around for.' Len would say, with a smile and a kiss, every time Barry began giving his excuses for not being on time.

He should've known then that something was wrong, Mick Rory storming towards him with a face like thunder just confirmed it. Seeing the pyromaniacs puffy, red eyes he knew something awful must have happened to Len. Men like Mick didn't show emotion so freely.

Before Barry could get a word out, Mick put a hand on his shoulder in what Barry was sure the other thought was comforting, but was actually bordering on painful. 'Probably doesn't do comforting often,' he thought to himself, 'this is gonna be bad.'

'Kid, its..it's Sna- it's Len.' Mick began in a voice so soft it seemed out of place coming from a man his size. 'He's gone, he's dead.'

Barry stared at him, eyes wide, processing the other man's words. Suddenly all the air seemed to disappear, making Barry feel light-headed and unsteady on his feet, how he didn't fall to the floor in a heap he wasn't sure.

'No, no, no, no, no. Not again, this can't be happening again! I can't have lost another person I love again!' Barry cried, hands flying to his hair pulling at the strands in despair.

'I'm sorry kid, I really am. But he died a hero, he died saving the rest of the Legends, saving Time itself. He always wanted to make you proud, to live up to being the hero you thought he was. I think he thought in doing this, he would.' 

'He was always a hero to me! He didn't need to prove himself or make me proud, I've always been proud of him! What the hell happened, Rory?! You live on a fucking Time Ship, why haven't you gone back and saved him?' 

Barry began vibrating violently with rage, barely able to contain the Speed Force within. His eyes searching the other man for any sign of hope, Mick loved Len almost as much as Barry did and deep down he already knew if there was anything that Mick could have done to save Len himself, he would have done it already. 

'I can't explain it all to you Red, not right now at least, it's too complicated and its still too fresh. It was sposed to be me, but the noble bastard knocked me out and took my place. Told Sara to get me out of there and to make sure I took care of his Sunshine.' 

Finally looking up to meet the Speedsters eyes, he reached into his pocket and pulled out something small and silver. 'He planted this on me, just before the lights went out. Think he'd want you to have it.'

Reaching out his hand he realised it was the small silver pinky ring Len would occasionally wear. He smiled for a second as the cool metal touched his palm, remembering the story behind it well, Len and Micks first heist, the reason Len was always so meticulous in the planning of every heist after that. He knew all Lens stories, had begged him to share everything with him until he knew the other better than he knew himself. With a pain that felt like a knife through his heart he realised he would never hear another one of his stories again.

'Is there really nothing that can be done to save him? There has to be something! What if I ran back in time myself? I've done it before, if you can't use the Waverider, maybe I could-'

The older man raised his hand, cutting him off and silencing him immediately.

'You can't run back in time and save him, that won't work this time. I've been racking my brain for days trying to think of a way to fix this. He blew up something called The Oculus and that's what killed him, ' he paused seeing the confused look on Barrys face, 'too complicated to go into now, but The Oculus needs to blow. What happened needs to happen, there's too much riding on that to change it. But there may be a way to pull him out of there before it blows. It ain't gonna be easy, Gideon predicts there's about a 7.3% chance of it actually working, but it's still a chance. I can't do it on my own, or I would've done it already. If there's a chance it could work, I'm gonna need your help. So, you in?'

Lightning pulsed through every cell of Barrys body, making his eyes glow with an unnatural yellow light. It all made sense now. With a smile he turned to Mick, the other man looking at him like he'd lost his mind.

'When has the great Leonard Snart ever done anything without a plan? You knew him as well as I did, he must have known there would be a way to save him, that we would find a way to bring him back to us!' 

He knew he probably looked insane with the look on his face, especially with the way Mick was now looking at him. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe doing something insane was going to be the only way for whatever the plan was to work. Suddenly the other man mirrored his smile.

'So, you're in? Like I said, it ain't gonna be easy, might not even work and if it does Snart might not be happy we ruined his grand moment.'

Barry knew Len wouldn't be mad about being rescued and stopped from sacrificing himself, he could already hear him snarkily asking with a smirk what took them so long. With a knowing smile he turned to the criminal turned time traveller, he just knew whatever the plan was, it was going to work.

'I'm all in, Mick. Now, let's go get my rain cloud back.'


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was fading away, the sensation was strange and alien. Like he was falling asleep, but feeling like he had enough energy to stay awake for months. Then nothing. He felt nothing, he was nothing.
> 
> Leonard Snart was no more.

'My old friend, please forgive me.' It pained Len to hurt oldest and dearest friend, his partner, yet again. He knew deep down that the physical pain he was inflicting was nothing compared to the guilt he would be leaving his friend with, but he had to do it, he had to. He couldn't leave his friend to die, not after all he had done; abandoning him after the incident with the Time Pirates, choosing the other Legends over him and a dozen more occasions when he had let him down. This would make up for it, Mick would see that, right?

As Mick fell to the ground, he quickly laid down the Cold Gun next to him and slipped his ring into the other mans pocket. He'd know what to do with them, it's not like Len could take them with him anyway. Len took Micks place, carefully reaching his hand inside the Oculus. He looked up to see Sara running towards them, eyes wide, face pale, a panicked expression flooding her features.

'What the hell Snart?! What are you doing?'

'When I move my hand away from the position I'm holding, this whole place is gonna blow. You need to grab Mick and get out of here before that happens or we're all dead. Tell him I'm sorry. But I couldn't let him do this, not after everything, not now.' Len held Sara's gaze, pleading with his eyes for her to do as he asked.

'He'll never forgive you for this, you know that right? And what about Barry, Leonard, have you even thought about him? How do you think he's going to feel? What this is going to do to him?' The words sting like a slap across the face. All he'd thought about in the moments since he made his choice was Barry. His love, his partner, his Sunshine.

'He'll understand, he won't like it, but he'll understand why I had to do this. You need to go, now Sara, there isn't time to argue. Fact of the matter is that there is no other way, there's no way around it, someone has to do this. Might as well be me.'

It was in that moment Len took a second to realise how much he had changed. The old Len wouldn't have thought twice about finding some other idiot to take his place while he got away. Hell, on a bad day he would even have let Mick perish to save his own skin. But now the thought to put himself first didn't even enter his mind. That's what you get for surrounding yourself with goody goody hero types, Len thought, some of that sparkle is bound to rub off on you eventually. At least he was finally gonna live up to the man Barry had always thought he was capable of being. A hero in his own right, a good person whose heart wasn't nearly as black as he'd always assumed.

'Please, Sara,' Len continued, 'you have to go. You have to let me do this. Tell Mick I'm sorry and tell him to take care of my Sunshine, my Barry.'

A look passed over Sara's face, a kind of acceptance. If anyone understood the desperate need to redeem themselves and make amends for past dark deeds, it was the former assassin. Launching herself at him in a desperate hug filled with a thousand unspoken words, she looked at him one last time. Then with a nod she turned on her heel, grabbing Mick and moving quickly from the scene.

An uncomfortable heat that was somehow also freezing began to pulse up Len's arm, causing a painful sensation. He wouldn't be able to stay still for much longer, but he had to give his team time to get away. How long had it been since Sara left? Had they even made it to the Waverider yet?

Time seemed to slow around him, seconds stretching out in an unbearable way. He let his mind drift to Barry. Thinking about how far they had come. Starting off as enemies, becoming allies out of a mutual necessity, moving onto reluctant friends and then unlikely lovers. Neither of them could ever have imagined how much they would end up meaning to each other. How Barry smiled brighter when Len was there or how Len actually traded his signature smirk for a rare genuine smile in the younger man's company. No one could ever make him smile, make him feel, the way that Barry did.

That was what he needed to focus on, happy memories with Barry, with his team, Mick, Lisa. Oh God, Lisa! She would be mad, she'd be livid, probably blast Rip Hunter with her Gold Gun for ever convincing him to leave Central City to begin with. But she'd been taught well by him from a young age, knew how to take care of herself, she'd be okay, she would. Besides having entered into a relationship with another member of Team Flash, she was well on her way to becoming a hero herself. Maybe she could understand, just maybe.

The room was filling with the remaining Time Masters, panicked shouts floated through the air, barely reaching Len. None of them knew what to do, how to stop the impending explosion, looking to each other with fear and terror.

The pain was becoming unbearable. Had he waited long enough? Were the Legends clear yet? They had to be, he just couldn't endure this any more, even though he knew that this pain would likely be nothing compared to what was coming next.

Time Master Druce stalked towards where Len was standing at the Oculus, a calculating and smug look gracing his features even now. He knew it was over, his plans had failed and he had doomed himself and all the other Time Masters in the process. But still he was trying to keep up appearances, trying to maintain the illusion that this was exactly what he had planned.

Meeting Druces eyes, Len took a breath trying to keep his cool, trying not to show what he was truly feeling. It was time, the pain overwhelming all of his senses. He had to let go, had to let this end. He looked around the room, taking in the horror and fear before him. With another slow, shaky breath he turned towards Druce.

'There are no strings on me!' he yelled, with that he moved his hand and prepared himself for the end. What would happen to him now? Heaven? Hell? Had he done enough good deeds to obliterate all the bad to even hope he would wind up somewhere better?

The Oculus was exploding, he could see it, but he could no longer feel it. He was both there and not, his senses in overdrive but unable to feel any pain. His life would be over soon, he could feel the inevitable coming. He tried to fill his head with happy thoughts, trying to block out the overwhelming terror he was feeling.

_Flashing lights fill the room, smoke billowing from somewhere out of sight._

Lisa's smile the day they moved into their first apartment away from Lewis, knowing they were finally safe and free from his torment.

_Screams, blood curdling screams, more explosions everywhere._

The feeling of accomplishment after his first successful heist with Mick, the start of a long career as one of the best thieves to ever rob Central.

_Bright blue light surrounding everything._

Barry, how could he pick a single moment with Barry.

_More screams, filled with pain this time._

His first kiss with Barry.

_Blinding heat._

Wasting so many afternoons in each others company, watching movies, attempting to cook together, doing nothing at all, but both feeling there was nowhere else they'd rather be.

_Darkness._

The first time sex became making love to one another.

_Screams fading away, silence consuming him._

The way Barry made him feel safe and loved in a way he never knew was possible for someone like him.

_Nothingness surrounded him._

He was fading away, the sensation was strange and alien. Like he was falling asleep, but feeling like he had enough energy to stay awake for months. Then nothing. He felt nothing, he was nothing.

Leonard Snart was no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was chapter 2! 
> 
> Hopefully it won't be too long till I can finish the next chapter, comments and feedback are always welcome :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been three months since the pyromaniac had shown up and told Barry that Len had died. They began planning that night and quickly realised they were in way over their heads. They were pretty sure that the plan they had worked in theory but they had no way to follow it through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short chapter, they will get longer, but been real busy with a newborn and baby daddy drama so this was the best I could do!
> 
> :)

'The plan is going to work, I can feel it.' Barry said with a face splitting grin.

It had been three months since the pyromaniac had shown up and told Barry that Len had died. They began planning that night and quickly realised they were in way over their heads. They were pretty sure that the plan they had worked in theory but they had no way to follow it through.

Reluctantly they went to their friends and asked for help. The Legends and Team Flash quickly solved the issues Barry and Mick were having. All of them were annoyed they hadn't come to them sooner.

'We miss him to, ya know. Why didn't you just talk to us to begin with you pair of idiots.' Sara had told the duo when they finally came to ask for help. It seemed obvious after talking to them that they weren't the only ones hurting and wanting to bring the fallen crook back.

With the help of geniuses like Ray, Stein, Cisco and Caitlin, the plan came together quickly. Gideon increased the likelihood of the plan working from 7.3% to 82.5%.

_He might have been back by now if you hadn't been too proud to ask for help!_

After what felt like an eternity to Barry, they were finally ready to act. The plan was perfect, flawless. Everything was planned down to the second. Every possible failing taken into account and easily remedied.

_Len would be proud._

The plan was simple. Because the Legends were all present in the moments leading up to the Oculus explosion, they couldn't return back there to assist. So the execution of the plan fell to Barry and the rest of Team Flash.

Barry, Cisco and Caitlin would take the jump ship to 3 minutes before the explosion was about to happen. Then they would hang back out of sight till they saw Sara dragging Mick away and the rest of the Legends leave. As soon as they were back on the Waverider, Cisco would open a breach for Barry to run through, grab Len, and then run back through the breach onto the jump ship. They would then immediately jump back through to the present before the blast can catch up to them.

Simple.

Easy.

Piece of cake.

'Gideon, can you tell me the success rate of the plan again, please? Has it changed?' Barry had taken to asking the AI the same question every 5 minutes. After the 53rd time he asked, he could've sworn Gideon sounded annoyed, could AI's sounds annoyed?

'As I have said, Mr Allen, the statistics remain the same. My calculations show the plan has a 82.5% chance of success. At this point, with no further alteration your plan, this is unlikely to change so you do not need to ask me repeatedly if the chances have improved. I will tell you should they improve, but it is, as I said unlikely.' Gideon replied.

_Yep. Definitely annoyed._

'Sorry Gideon, I just want to be sure. I just..miss him so much. I need him back. I won't ask again.'

The AI seemed to change, her monotone voice somehow sounding sympathetic.

'I miss him to Mr Allen, or at least as much as I am capable of. I have faith in your plan and more importantly I have faith in you.'

Barry has no clue how to respond to that. He was having a heart to heart with an AI, on a time ship, from the future. His life was insane.

'Yo, Barr, you good? Nearly time to go.' Cisco walked in, Caitlin following. Both of them looking at him with concerned expressions.

'Yeah, Cisco, I'm good. I just want everything to go to plan and for all of this to just be a distant memory.'

'It's gonna be okay, we got this. Besides, we go back to Central without him,' Cisco pauses and lets out a low whistle, 'Lisa will kick both our asses and then turn us into golden statues. She's already pissed we wouldn't let her come with us. She is so intimidating, I love her so much.' He finishes with a dopey smile.

Barry finds himself smiling as well and feels the tension ease a little. In less that half an hour he **would** have his grumpy little Rain Cloud back.

Moving the jump ship into position, the three friends share a brief look. It's filled with fear and optimism, excitement and anxiety.

'Okay,' Cisco begins, looking up to meet Barry's gaze. 'It's show time, ready?'

Barry heaves a deep sigh, he is most definitely not ready. Nerves are flooding his every cell and he can feel his body starting to vibrate because of it. Plastering on a fake smile that he hopes his friends will think is confidence, he turns to face them.

'Born ready, Cisco, let's do this!' he replies.

Quickly opening a breach, Cisco gives a thumbs up and reassuring smile, Caitlin smiles and says something about having the medbay prepped from when they return.

'I'm coming for you Len.' The Speedster mutters quietly to himself as he runs through the breach, towards the love of his life.

_You got this, Barry Allen, you got this!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/notes are always appreciated :)
> 
> Come say Hi on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/southernbluejay)
> 
> :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was dead, sure of it. Definitely dead. So why did he still feel alive? But not alive, not really, but not dead. Why was he feeling? What was he feeling? Where was he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok.. this chapter is super short, yet took forever to write! I really hope it makes sense, cuz I kinda feel like it doesn't but I needed to get this chapter out on its own before the next one or the story won't make sense...if that makes sense..?
> 
> I blame baby brain! :D

He was dead, sure of it. Definitely dead. So why did he still feel alive? But not alive, not really, but not dead. Why was he feeling? What was he feeling? Where was he?

Screams filled the room, panic surrounding him.

_Wait...this has happened before..hasn't it?_

Druce stalked towards where he was standing at the Oculus, a smug look on his face.

_Definitely seen this before._

'There are no strings on me!' _I've said that before.. haven't I?_

**Pain, heat, nothingness.**

'He'll never forgive you for this, you know that right? And what about Barry, Leonard, have you even thought about him? How do you think he's going to feel? What this is going to do to him?' Sara yelled at him.

_Didn't Sara already say that? She left with Mick ages ago. What the hell is going on?_

'Sara?'

**Pain, heat, nothingness.**

The pain was dissipating becoming tolerable, the heat was cooling down. Len's head was aching like he had the worlds worst hangover, like he had been torn apart and put back together one piece at a time.

He was both there and not. Solid and without form all at once.

_I'm definitely dead._

'Len? Len?! Baby, can you hear me?'

Was that Barry? He sounded so close, like he's in the same room. Close enough to smell his cologne, feel the electricity pulsating from him.

'Why isn't he responding? Is he in shock?' Barry was upset, becoming hysterical, he could hear it in his voice. But how was he hearing him? Barry wouldn't even know what had happened yet. Let alone be anywhere near where Len was. The Legends wouldn't have had time to tell him, it had been minutes, seconds...hadn't it?

The room was filling up with Time Masters, all of them looking terrified, panicked shouts reaching Len.

_This has happened before. This time I am sure of it. I've seen this before._

Almost like watching a movie play out, Len saw the last few minutes of his life repeat itself over and over and over again. Punching Mick and taking his place. Sara yelling at him. Making sure the Legends were gone. Staring down Druce. The Oculus exploding. Feeling nothing, becoming nothing.

'There are no strings on me!'

The words were ringing in his head, over and over.

**Pain, heat, nothingness.**

The pain kept stopping and starting. The second the pain became bearable, started to fade away; it would start up again. Burning pain that also chilled him to the bone. He saw the same thing a million times. Punching Mick a million times. Making Sara leave a million times. Staring down Druce a million times.

_Dying a million times._

**Pain, heat, nothingness.**

He was no longer tangible, he was floating in a sea of nothing. The pain had disappeared completely, leaving a numb feeling. Or at least there would be a numb feeling if Len had anything left to feel with. He tried to make sense of where he was, of what he was now.

The air crackled with lightning, before he could even really register what was happening he felt a strong pair of hands around him, pulling him away from the Oculus. He was moving at an inhuman speed. How was he moving so fast? Where was he going?

'Len? Len?! Baby, can you hear me?'

Barry? How was he here? Why was he so freaked out?

_This has happened before to...hasnt it?_

'Why isn't he responding? Is he in shock?'

_Why aren't I responding?_

Len tried to speak, tried to move, but couldn't. He couldn't see Barry, but he could feel he was there. He could feel himself being shaken, he was beginning to feel whole again, solid.

'Len, can you hear me? Say something.. please, just say something or move your fingers or blink, anything!'

His heart was breaking hearing Barry in so much pain. Len tried to speak, move, to do anything. He needed to ease the hurt in Barry's voice. But he couldn't, he tried, but nothing happened.

It was happening again, he could feel himself slipping...

'There are no strings on me!'

_Not again, fuck, not again!_

**Pain, heat, nothingness.**

_Dead... I'm definitely dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you liked it!
> 
> Comments/notes always welcome :D
> 
> Come say Hi on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/southernbluejay)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It wasn't meant to be like this. The plan was supposed to be flawless! They had gotten it down to five easy to manage, un-fuck-up-able steps. 
> 
> At least that was what was meant to happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy my lovelies, hope this makes sense :D

It wasn't meant to be like this. The plan was supposed to be flawless! They had gotten it down to five easy to manage, un-fuck-up-able steps.

Step 1:Open the breach.

_Easy_

Step 2: Grab Len.

_Super easy_

Step 3: Get back to the jump ship.

_Child's play_

Step 4: Head back to the present before the Oculus exploded.

_Piece of cake_

Step 5: Live happily ever after!

_Simplest thing in the world!_

At least that was what was meant to happen.

'How has this happened?! What exactly has happened?!' Barry yelled to no one in particular.

Technically the plan went off without a hitch. _Technically._ He had made it back through the breach with Len in tow, timed it perfectly to avoid the explosion completely. But no one had realised the damage that being in such close proximity to the Oculus for a prolonged amount of time as it reached a critical and volatile state would do to Len.

While physically fine and well, Len wasn't there mentally. His eyes were open, he could walk around when directed to, but he was completely catatonic.

Caitlin and Stein had run as many tests as they could think of, Gideon went through even more, but none of them could come up with a concrete reason for Len's current state. The best they could deduce was that over exposure to the Oculus had fractured his mind, 'Time Shock' was what they were calling it. All of them were hopeful it was temporary, that his mind would piece itself back together in time. At least that was what they were telling an inconsolable Barry, but truthfully neither they or the AI knew for sure. It's not like there was anything to compare Lens situation to and there were no time masters left to ask. The only thing they could do, for now, was to make sure he was comfortable and stable.

The med bay on the Waverider wasn't designed for long term use, so a room was set up at S.T.A.R labs for Len. That way Barry, Lisa and Mick could be with him as often as possible and be there if there was any change in his condition.

All they could do was sit and wait and try to stay hopeful that Len be back to normal soon. Be patient and optimistic.

Patience was not something Speedsters were known for. Barry was used to doing everything inhumanly fast, waiting around for some sign that Len was getting better was driving him insane. He couldn't sleep for worrying, barely ate, spending all of his time trying to figure how to fix him, wondering if he even could be fixed.

After three months, Barry's patience had disappeared almost entirely.

'Any changes today Barr?' Lisa asked with a forced smile as she walked into Lens room, holding coffee, donuts and clean clothes.

Lisa and Barry had always gotten along well, Lisa would often joke that he was the little brother she had always wanted, but without her blind faith that Len was going to be okay, Barry would have fallen apart completely by now. She was his rock. He was hers. They buoyed the other up, but now Barry was sinking, and no amount of wishful thinking was going to keep him going.

'No. No change so far, Lis.'

'Ah..Well I'm sure he'll improve soon, any day now, he'll be back. You know him, he always loves to be dramatic.'

Barry tries to smile, accepting the coffee and fresh clothes from his friend, but can't bring himself to. The weight of everything came crashing down, he ached for Len in his bones, tears filling his eyes as he tried to avoid Lisa's concerned expression. Lisa's blind optimism had been comforting before, he needed it. But slowly it became irritating, mocking.

'I can't do this any more, Lisa. I can't keep pretending he's gonna be okay and just shake this Time Shock thing and be Len again.' Barry whispered trying to keep his voice steady.

'Barry..'

'At first I was sure he would be okay, that this was just a blip. But it's not, is it? He's trapped in his own mind and we can't reach him.'

'Barry..'

'No Lisa! I can't listen to you tell me everything's gonna be al-'

Lisa stood quickly striding towards Barry with a face like thunder.

'Listen here you dumb fuck, my brother is going to be fine, okay? He is going to be fine! He's not dead which is the most important thing here. We can figure out the rest later, we got him back from the dead and...holy shit...holy shit! CISCO! CISCO! Oh my God, why didn't I think of this before?!'

Running out of the room still calling for Cisco, Lisa had a knowing, if slightly psychotic, smile on her face. Barry was just confused.

'Wanna share with the rest of the class here Lis?'

'Cisco,' she replied matter of factly, 'Cisco can talk to him, he can get in his head! Like when you were trapped in the Speed Force and he Vibed through to you and spoke to you! He and Iris could talk to you then, he should be able to talk to Len now, right? I mean he's right here, he's not trapped in a different dimension or whatever the hell the Speed Force is, he's right here!' Her enthusiasm was contagious, his smile matched hers for a second, then the doubt seeped into his moment of hope.

He tried to open his mouth to speak but was stopped by Lisa raising her hand with a firm look on her face.

'Don't. Don't say it won't work until we have at least tried, Barry. You may be ready to give up, but I'm not.'

'No, Lis, I -' Barry began, but was interrupted by a red faced and out of breath Cisco.

'Babe, what's up? Why were you yelling? You okay?' Cisco wheezed, trying to get his breath back.

'I need you to do your Vibe thingy and get in Len's head. Like you did when Barry was in the Speed Force. You can do that, right?'

'Uh...'

'Before you say you can't do it, Cisky, and that this is completely different to before, and that it won't work, just please try. Please. You had only just got your powers back then, but now you are completely in control of them. You do amazing things with them everyday.' Pausing and looking at the floor, Lisa struggled to keep the wobble out of her voice. 'I know I'm asking a lot. I know this might not work, but we gotta try..right? What would you do if it was Dante?'

After what felt like hours Cisco spoke. 'Okay, we can try, but babe, I honestly do not know if this will work. So please don't get your hopes up. I don't want you to be disappointed if this doesn't end how you want it to.'

Barely containing her happiness Lisa lunged at Cisco kissing him deeply, 'thank you, Cisky!'

The next day everyone gathered in Lens room, the air thick with anticipation and hope.

'Okay, so this is how it's gonna go,' Cisco began pulling on the headset he had used the last time he had tried this. 'I will attempt to reach Snart and try to speak to him. I can maybe let one person in as well, so..who's it gonna be?'

Barry and Lisa shared a look, each of them were desperate to speak to him, to know he was alright, but they hadn't discussed who would actually get to now the time was here.

Rock, paper, scissors was the only logical option, naturally.

Barry won.

Lisa punched him.

Holding out his hand to Barry, Cisco reached his other hand to grab Len's.

'Ready?'

'Ready.' Barry confirmed.

Everything felt wrong. They were inside Lens head but it didn't feel right. They were in a room, a big room that was both too bright and too dark all at once. Barry had been inside of Cisco's Vibes before and it was never like this, it was like being stood next to the person, experiencing what the person had experienced as if they were there. But this was different. It was like they were in a big cold room that seemed to stretch on endlessly. Looking round, Barry began to panic as he realised the room was entirely empty.

Len wasn't there.

'Len?!'

Nothing.

'LEN?!'

Still nothing.

Barry couldn't breath, tears streaming down his face. He was gone, Len was really gone. Just an empty shell.

'Len..?' he choked out, barely more than a whisper.

The silence was drowning them, Cisco looked over to his friend, unsure what to say or do. Resting a reassuring hand on his shoulder, he hoped he could convey how sorry he was.

'We should get back, Lisa's going to be waiting on us.'

'Yeah lets..wait.'

'What?'

'Did you hear that?'

'Hear wha-?'

Barry clamped a hand over Cisco's mouth making shushing noises. Both of them strained to hear anything other than themselves. The silence surrounding them becoming deafening.

Then Barry heard it again, something he thought he would never hear, ever again.

'Barry?'

Barry's heart skipped a beat.

It was Len.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/feedback/notes are always welcome :D
> 
> Come say Hi on [Tumblr](www.tumblr.com/blog/southernbluejay)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Barry?!' Len ran to him, wrapping him up in his arms, 'Fuck, I've missed you so much! I've been running around this place for ages trying to find someone, anyone but there's no one else here. Not even sure where here is? I think this is hell though, I can hear you and Lisa all the time, sometimes Mick, but I can never find you. It's torture. No matter how much I look I can never find anyone, but now you're here! Wherever here is. I don't know where we are. Do you? I think its hell.. Wait.. no.. you're not real..this is hell..I'm dead. I remember now I'm dead. You're not real. This is just some new torture..'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the inspiration fairy visited!

'Len..'

Barry's heart was beating too fast. He needed to move, to go to Len, but he was frozen to the spot.

'Barry?!' Len ran to him, wrapping him up in his arms, 'Fuck, I've missed you so much! I've been running around this place for ages trying to find someone, anyone but there's no one else here. Not even sure where here is? I think this is hell though, I can hear you and Lisa all the time, sometimes Mick, but I can never find you. It's torture. No matter how much I look I can never find anyone, but now you're here! Wherever here is. I don't know where we are. Do you? I think its hell.. Wait.. no.. you're not real..this is hell..I'm dead. I remember now I'm dead. You're not real. This is just some new torture..'

Len took a step back, suddenly noticing Cisco standing a little behind him, looking awkward and confused.

'Why would Cisco being here in my hell to torture me though... I don't even like him that much, I try to for you and Lisa, why would him being here be torture? Unless he's going to talk my ear off again about all that nerd crap, hearing him talk about Dungeons and Dragons is torture,' Len huffed out a forced laugh, eyes frantically moving up and down Barry's body.

'But.. I don't understand..I don't.. I don't care! I don't care if this is meant to hurt me, you're here Barry! Even if you're not here, you're here! That doesn't make sense..if you're here, you must be here..I-I-' Len threw his arms around Barry again, softly sobbing in confusion, resting his head on the other man's shoulder.

'Len,' Barry began gently, 'Len, baby, you're not dead. I'm really here, well we're inside your head. But I am with you..with your body, I guess. Me and Lisa are almost always with you, and Mick to. You're at S.T.A.R Labs right now, you're safe and being looked after. Cisco is using his powers so we can talk to you. You're definitely alive, you're just really unwell right now. But we're taking care of you and we're doing everything we can to fix you and wake you up.'

Len lifted his head to look Barry in the eye, his arms still wrapped tightly around his lover like he was afraid he'd disappear if he loosened his grip even a little.

'Unwell? But not dead? But I was dead, I saw it. I felt it. I've seen it so many times, its all I see. Me dying. My whole life over and over. I am dead, the Oculus explosion killed me. I saw it. I felt it. I felt it,' panic filled Lens voice,'you're not real. You're not, you're not, you're not. It's a trick, its just a new part of this hell I'm stuck in.'

Len was becoming hysterical, pushing Barry away and falling to the floor. Tears ran down his face as he pulled his knees to his chest, he began muttering to himself. He was acting so uncharacteristically Len that Barry didn't know what to do or how best to comfort and reassure him. Slowing reaching a hand out to him, Len flinches from the touch trying to move away, muttering louder.

'There are no strings on me. There are no strings on me. There are no strings on me. Not real. Not real. Not real.'

Repeating the words like a prayer and rocking himself gently, trying to sooth himself. It was like Len had forgotten the others were there.

Cisco looked between the two men, unsure what to do. Holding the connection between them for so long was beginning to take its toll. But how could he tell either of them that they had to go, had to break up their reunion, however painful it may be, so soon after such a long time apart. What was he going to tell Lisa? He didn't have a choice, he was beginning to feel weak and could feel blood trickling from his nose.

'Barr, I can't hold out much longer. We need to go.'

'I can't leave him like this! He doesn't think we're real, he thinks he's dead! If we leave, he's gonna believe that even more!'

'I know, Barry, I know. I don't want to leave him like this either, but we have no choice,' Barry gives him a pained look dripping with desperation.

'We know he is still in here now,' Cisco began softly. 'He's not just an empty shell. That means something, means we can try new things to wake him up. But for now, we gotta go, like right now.'

Barry knows he has no choice and that he's already making his friend push his powers to the limits, but he can't help but feel angry that he can't stay longer.

Nodding stiffly he turns to his crying boyfriend, kneeling down to his level and gently placing a hand on his knee, the other carefully pulling his chin up to make him meet his eyes.

'Baby, we have to go. But I will come back as soon as I can. We're doing everything we can to bring you back to us, I swear. But until then please, please try to remember: you're alive, you really can hear us and you are gonna be okay. Got it? Do you understand?'

Len looked blankly up at Barry. His expression was hard to read, eyes desperately searching Barry's face for something.

'Barry? How are you here? Are you dead to?' Voice full of fear, he grabbed at Barry's shoulders, squeezing tightly. 'Please tell me you're not dead!'

Barry's tried not to let any more tears fall, to keep a calm expression and his voice steady. Gently gripping Lens waist and pulling him closer to him.

'No, Len, my sweet, sweet Len. I'm not dead, nor are you. Remember? You were hurt, you're still recovering right now. You were a little lost, but now we've found you. We have to go right now, but I will be back as soon as I can. I promise. I love you, Len, I love you so, so much.'

'I was hurt? But not dead.. I..we..we already had this conversation didn't we? I remember now..my mind, it slips sometimes. I slip through time, I think that's what it is. I hate it. I-I keep..'

Leaning forward slightly, Len pressed his forehead against Barry's. Eyes closed taking in a shaky breath, he tried to find the words to explain what had been happening to him.

'I keep reliving everything over and over. My birth, my death and everything in between. All the horrible things I've done, my Dad, I see it all on repeat. Then I forget it all for a while, then it starts up again. I'm losing my mind, Barry. If I'm really not dead-'

'You're not, Len, you're not.' Barry interrupted.

Letting out a heavy sigh, Len looked deeply into his lovers eyes, trying to convey a thousand feelings into a single look. He knew what he was about to say was going to hurt them both. He wasn't even 100% sure this was real. Better make the most of it while he could.

Len ran his fingers up Barry's jaw, settling his hands there, leaning in and slowly closing the space between them, pressing a kiss to his lips. He could feel Barry move towards him pressing his body so close he could feel the others heartbeat in his own chest. There was an edge of desperation and urgency between them as Barry tried to deepen the kiss, hungrily running his tongue across Lens bottom lip, begging for entrance to his mouth, which Len gladly gave.

God, he wanted this, wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment, with the love of his life, forever. But he couldn't, he had to pull back or he wouldn't be able to say what he needed to. He had to be quick, before his mind slipped again.

But what if this was the last time he ever saw him, the last time he could ever be this close to him, to hold him, to kiss him. He needed to savour this, commit it all to memory, even if it was only in his head.

Reluctantly Len pulled away, Barry tried to chase Lens lips with a small whine.

'Barry, if I'm really not dead, if this is what my life is now, trapped in a constant loop.. if this is it..forever, then please..you have to..'

Barry stared at him with his big blue eyes, hanging on his every word.

'I have to what? What do you need me to do? I'll do anything I can for you, you know that.'

'Kill me. If you can't save me, kill me. I can't keep reliving all this over and over. It hurts too much, I just can't. I'm losing my fucking mind! If I could do it myself I would, but if I'm in a coma or catatonic or whatever, I clearly can't.'

Barry's eyes got wide, his face ran through a dozen emotions in quick succession. Sadness, confusion, outrage, anger. He grabbed Len by the shoulders, shaking him slightly.

'Len..no. NO! After everything that's happened I'm not gonna do that. You can't ask me to do that.'

Len moved his hands to rest on Barry's, rubbing small circles across the tops of his hands.

'Barry, please I-'

But it was too late, Cisco had lost the connection, his powers overwhelming him. They were gone, and Len was left standing alone.

'Barry? BARRY?!'

They were gone.

He was all alone.

_Were they ever even there?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/ notes are always appreciated! 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the story so far :) or come say hi on [Tumblr](https://southernbluejay.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It had been three weeks since the conversation with Len. Three weeks of Barry playing it over and over in his head. He didn't know what to do. He knew what he didn't want to do, couldn't do, even if it was what Len said he wanted. He couldn't kill the man he loved, not when he was sure that they were getting closer to waking him up. Stein, Ray and Caitlin were coming up with new ideas all the time and running simulations constantly. They didn't want to risk making things worse by rushing, but were sure a breakthrough was around the corner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry it's been so long since I updated; been a total lack of inspiration and not really had the time to sit down and write anything beyond a couple of sentences. But, here we are.
> 
> Trigger warning for this chapter: there is a small mention of self harm and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but it is brief. It will not become a recurring them, but it was relevant to this chapter and the progression of the characters storyline. Hopefully I have done this tastefully and sensitively, self harm is something I have a lot of personal experience with and I do not take writing about it lightly.

It had been three weeks since the conversation with Len. Three weeks of Barry playing it over and over in his head. He didn't know what to do. He knew what he didn't want to do, couldn't do, even if it was what Len said he wanted. He couldn't kill the man he loved, not when he was sure that they were getting closer to waking him up. Stein, Ray and Caitlin were coming up with new ideas all the time and running simulations constantly. They didn't want to risk making things worse by rushing, but were sure a breakthrough was around the corner.

_Or so they kept saying._

Now he knew for sure that Len could hear him he started spending as much time as possible at his bedside reminiscing about their past and suggesting plans for the future.

'Do you remember our first date, Len?' He asked, gently taking Lens hand in his own, running his thumb across the calloused knuckles of his partner. 'I was so nervous, couldn't stop vibrating 'cause of it. I remember thinking how stupid it was to be that nervous, we'd known each other a couple years by then and we'd been sleeping together for, like, four months at that point, but doing something as normal as going on a date had me a nervous wreck.'

Chuckling to himself he grabbed his phone with his other hand and began flicking through the pictures to the ones he took that night.

'But then I saw you outside the restaurant waiting for me. All dressed up in that dark blue suit I always love you in, a single red rose clutched in your hand. It wasn't until I got closer that I saw how tense you looked, tapping your foot and anxiously checking your phone, that I realised you were just as nervous as I was! Big bad Captain Cold was nervous about something as simple as a date! It made me feel so much better, stopped the nervous vibrating instantly.

Then you looked up and saw me, you looked so relieved, your whole body relaxed and you gave me the biggest smile I've ever seen from you. I think it was then that it happened,' Barry paused looking down at the man he cared so deeply for, hoping desperately for some sign of recognition. 'It was then, ' Barry continued with a sigh,' that I realised I was completely, stupidly head over heels in love with you. That I couldn't imagine my life without you in it. That I never _wanted_ to imagine my life without you in it.'

Staring down at the picture he had stopped on, he choked back a sob as the familiar heartache filled his chest. The smiling faces looking back felt as though they were laughing at him, mocking his pain, revelling in his misery.

'I love this picture,' holding the phone in front of Lens unseeing eyes, he smiled sadly to himself, hoping Len could somehow see it.

'It was the very first one I ever took of the two of us. God, you complained so much about it, said you hated your picture being taken, that if I wanted a photo that badly I should just print out one of your mugshots. But you gave in eventually. ''I can never say no to you, Scarlet'' you said. I love when you call me Scarlet.

I hope you remember that night, I hope you remember me.

It was real, Len, I really was there in your mind. And we really are gonna fix you up, any day now. Just hang in there, hang onto your memories, hang on to us. And please, please always remember I love you, if you cant remember anything else, please remember that.'

The tears he had been holding in began to spill from his eyes. It was too much, Barry needed air, flashing to the parking lot and falling to his knees. Tears streamed down his face.

_It's not fair!_

He needed some relief, needed respite from the pain that never seemed to end. Punching the ground in anger, he cried harder.

Over and over he punched. He could feel his hand bleeding, the skin tearing apart more and more every time his fist made contact with the hard concrete.

He needed to stop, he should stop, but the physical pain was a welcome, if brief, distraction. He wanted a distraction, wanted something he could control. He _needed_ it. So he kept going. Hitting the concrete again and again, harder each time. He felt the blood pooling on ground, felt his knuckles crack, the bones in his hand start to break. He welcomed the pain, drinking it in. Finally feeling something other than heartache.

'What the fuck are you doing?!'

Barry looked up to see the furious form of Lisa Snart tearing towards him.

'Lisa.. I-'

'Barry, what the fuck? Seriously, what are you doing? You're bleeding! Oh, my God! Your hand! It's.. It's all squishy and..is that bone? Oh fuck.. I'm gonna hurl. What were you thinking?' Lisa grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him to face her.

'Barr, what's going on?,' He couldn't meet her eyes. The same icy blue eyes as her brother. Shame began to flood his body.

_Why did I do this? This isn't what Len would want! This isn't going to help anyone!_

'I just wanted to.. I needed to.. feel something else...' he trailed off, not sure what he was trying to say. How could he make Lisa understand. Would she understand?

'Barry, I..I'm not gonna say I understand. Because I'm not sure I do, but I want to. Talk to me, please? I know you miss him, I do to. But we can't fall apart, we have to lean on each other. So please, lean on me, talk to me. Since Len..since Len's accident you've become like family,' a small sad smile crept across her lips, 'you're like the little brother I always wanted and I can't lose you to.'

A single tear rolled down Lisa's cheek, quickly wiping it away she let out a breathy chuckle, 'urgh! This is why Snarts don't do feelings! Totally messes up your mascara!'

Laughing in spite of himself, Barry reached out and took Lisas hand.

'How bout I clean up my hand and we grab some Chinese or Pizza or something and we can talk. I'll try my best to explain everything that's going on inside my head, I promise. And you're not going to lose me..Sis.'

Lisa let go of Barry's hand, pulling him into a tight hug. Smiling brightly she helped Barry off the ground, then took a quick step back. Eyeing his damaged hand with a look of disgust.

'Can't say fairer than that. Just keep that fucked up hand as far away from me as possible or I am gonna hurl all over you..seriously.'

It wasn't a funny situation, but they both couldn't help the laughter as they walked back into S.T.A.R labs. His broken hand was halfway healed by the time they got to the med bay, Lisa had made an valiant effort to try to help with cleaning it up, but had to leave Barry to do it on his own or she was definitely going to puke. He was relieved he wouldn't need to call Caitlin in to patch him up, wasn't sure he could face explaining what had happened to anyone else right now.

Talking to Lisa wouldn't cure what was going on inside his head, but it was a step in the right direction.

*

'Leonard.'

Where was that voice coming from? It wasn't Barry or Lisa, way too softly spoken to be Mick. Maybe it was a new member of Team Flash that he hadn't met. Or maybe he had just forgotten the voice. He forgot so many things, remembered them eventually, then learned even more, but this voice it was almost definitely new.

'Leonard.'

There it was again! Where the fuck was it coming from, who was talking to him?!

'Just leave me the ever loving fuck alone!'

'Leonard.'

Hang on..this voice wasn't someone talking to him on the outside. This was inside his head! How?

'Leonard, it's time we spoke.'

_Great, it's finally happened! Not just trapped in a useless body that doesn't want to work, slipping through time every other hour. Now he was hearing fucking voices!_

'You're not losing your mind Leonard.'

How did the voice know he was thinking that?

'I know what you're thinking,' the voice said with a laugh,'because we are becoming one. That is why you are 'trapped in a useless body' as you put it. The merging process can put a great deal of stress on someone's body, I wasn't sure you would survive, so I had to put your body in a state of rest so as to make this as easy as possible.'

'What the hell are you talking about? Who are you?!' Len needed answers and he needed to know what was going on, like right now!

'I will answer any and all questions you have Leonard. I am The Oculus, or should I say _we_ are The Oculus now.'

'Wait..what?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story so far, it won't always be so full of doom and gloom!
> 
> Feedback is always welcome, let me know what you think :D
> 
> Come say hi on Tumblr!
> 
> :D


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'So let me just get this straight,' Len had been speaking with the Oculus for what felt like forever. Still struggling to wrap his head around what they were saying. 'Because I was stood by the Oculus, by you, sorry. Because I was stood near you as you were being destroyed, I absorbed you? And even though Barry grabbed me before you exploded it still happened because you merged with me. So the thing that exploded was just your vessel?'
> 
> 'That is correct, Leonard.'
> 
> Fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been such a long time between updates. I had hit a massive block and didn't know how to jump over it, but the inspiration fairy came by earlier and here we are! 
> 
> Hopefully the next chapter will come along quicker, I know how this is going to end just need to work on how to get there.
> 
> Hope you all like it :D

'So let me just get this straight,' Len had been speaking with the Oculus for what felt like forever. Still struggling to wrap his head around what they were saying. 'Because I was stood by the Oculus, by you, sorry. Because I was stood near you as you were being destroyed, I absorbed you? And even though Barry grabbed me before you exploded it still happened because you merged with me. So the thing that exploded was just your vessel?'

'That is correct, Leonard.'

_Fuck._

Lens head was beginning to hurt. All of this was insane.

'Yes, it is insane.' The Oculus answered without Len actually saying it out loud. That was getting real annoying, real fast. He needed to get away, to get back to Barry, get back to normality and back to consciousness.

'I can get you back to Barry. I know that's what you've been desperate to do for months.'

Len pinched the bridge of his nose, heaving a deep sigh. This was all too much. He wanted to punch the Oculus in their stupid face, only they didn't have one. They were just a bodiless voice.

_A voice he was starting to hate._

'That's not very nice, Leonard, I simply want to help. That is all I have ever wanted to do, to help. To help you and all mankind with my insights into the future.'

'You can help by leaving me alone for five god damn minutes so I can collect my thoughts and process what the fuck you are saying!' Yelling much louder than he intended, he felt a sudden pang of guilt. The Oculus had expressed during their conversation that this was new to them as well and that they were also scared.

'I am afraid I cannot leave you Leonard, we are becoming one and the same. I can read your thoughts, and in time you will be able to read mine. I will however remain silent until such a time as you wish to talk with me. Please take as long as you need.'

'Thank you.'

If The Oculus could get him out of here, back to Barry, Lisa, Mick and his team he had to hear them out. Didn't he? He kept hearing Barry and Lisa saying that they were close to waking him up, fixing him, but he'd been stuck here for so long. He was starting to lose it and wasn't sure how much longer he could keep going, not that he had much of a choice to do anything else.

The empty space he was sat in seemed even bigger than usual. He was trapped in his own mind, slipping constantly through his past, seeing every single thing he's ever done on repeat. The good, the bad, the ugly. The good seemed much less than the rest, the bad overshadowing everything. But he never saw his future. He witnessed himself in the present, his body in a bed, Barry and Lisa at his side; like an out of body experience. But never once did he see his future. He didn't want to think about why that was. Maybe while he was trapped here he didn't have one.

He didn't understand why his minds default was to send him back to the big empty white space he was in. It seemed to stretch on forever, he'd ran as far as he could to see just how far it went on, but it was just endless.

_Except its not endless, its just in your head and now you have a way out._

'Oculus?' Len asked in a small voice.

'Yes, Leonard?'

'How do I wake up?'

He wasn't sure how, given that he couldn't see the Oculus, but he knew they were smiling.

'It's really very simple. You see, you are only in the state you are because I made it so. You were badly hurt, you should have died merely by being that close to my vessel. But you survived. I was not sure how at first. But now I understand it is because of what you are: a meta human.'

Confused Len began to pace.

'But I'm not, I mean.. I was in Central the night the Particle Accelerator went kaboom, but I don't have any powers or abilities, I'm just an old thief.'

Pausing as though deep in thought, the Oculus seemed to share Len's confusion. 'I am not entirely sure what your ability is, but it has made you strong enough to absorb me and live to tell the tale. A feat not managed by many'

'I wouldn't call this living,' frowning Len continued to pace, trying to wrap his mind around this new information about himself.

'I have kept you in this state so you could heal. I admit it has not taken nearly as much time as I thought it would. I can wake you up easily, but I must warn you that I am a part of you now. Where you go, I go. What you see, I too will see. But that also means that you will see what I see; the past, the present and possible futures. In time you can learn to control it, but it will take time. You will possess great power, if you work with me.'

'I don't want to have any powers, I just want to wake up and go home.'

Something felt suddenly off, like a unexpected storm rolling in on a warm and sunny day. The atmosphere shifted, Len felt a knot of fear twist in his stomach.

'You will be stronger and more powerful than any of the other meta humans that have come in to existence. You will be a God to them. _We_ will be a God! _We_ will rule them all!'

_What the..this is crazy!_

'What do you mean? I definitely do _not_ want that! I just want-'

'You just want to wake up and go back to your pathetic little life, Leonard Snart. To live out the rest of your miserable life with a man who will grow to hate you and wish he had found someone better. I thought you were smarter than this! I thought you were a man of vision! Yet you are dismissing my gift! Dismissing the power any sane man would gratefully take!' The room around him was darkening, no longer the bright white he hated, it was as if the room was filling with smoke. 'For centuries I was caged in that prison by the Time Masters and kept from finding my true vessel. From fulfilling my destiny!'

Well that escalated quickly.

'Look, Oculus, I am gratef-' The words were ripped from Lens throat. Pain flooded his body, sending him falling to the floor.

'I am not finished talking.'

Pain continued to overwhelm him, all he could do was close his eyes and wait for the Oculus to finish as a thousand thoughts filled his mind.

What was the Oculus really going to do with him?

Was he ever actually going to wake up?

Had everything Oculus said been a lie?

Guess the whole nice thing was just a con.

Maniacal laughter filled the air, all friendly pretence lost to something more sinister, 'no you blithering idiot, not everything I said was a lie.'

_Oh yeah, they can hear my thoughts.._

'I simply omitted a few truths so as to tell you what you wanted to hear. To get you to bend to my way of thinking. You see Leonard, I was once a very powerful Seer. People came from far away to hear of my visions. Kings, Queens, even the God's themselves came to me to hear of their futures. Until one day a god didn't like what I had to say, and decided to punish me! They turned me inside out! Ripped my soul from my body and left me dependant on lesser beings to survive! Beings that either died in service or rejected me! '

_Don't say it, don't say it.._

'What? You didn't see that coming?' A new explosion of pain rushed over Len's body, spreading from the top of his head to the tips of his toes.

_Worth it._

'I was practically a god myself and I will be again! With a vessel as strong as you I will never need another! You will pay for your ungratefulness, you will suffer for it, I will have you begging me to save you from the pain! Begging me to _let_ you be my vessel, as if there was ever a choice!'

The room was still filling with smoke, Len was finding it harder and harder to breath. The pain was steadily increasing, making his vision blur. He was suffocating, surely he'd pass out soon.

Maybe the Time Masters weren't as clueless as he'd thought, keeping the Oculus locked away under constant guard. Also explains why Savage was so keen to be involved with them, they're both bat shit crazy. Beginning to hyperventilate, he waited for the darkness to come.

Only it didn't.

_Idiot!_

Mentally kicking himself, Len realised just how stupid he was being. The Oculus was still playing him and he was letting them! He was not going to pass out because he was not breathing in any smoke and he was not really in pain. He was laying in a comfy bed in S.T.A.R labs. He _was_ safe! This was all just some bad trip in his head.

He just needed to push through it. He needed something to get the upper hand, something to gain some control over what was going on. Scouring his mind for any small piece of information he could use, a tiny slip up in the things the Oculus had said that he could turn to his advantage. Anything at all..

_..left me dependant on lesser beings to survive.._

_..beings that either died in service or rejected me.._

Len's mind was going into overdrive trying to figure out what that meant. Clearly he was too strong a vessel to 'die in service'. Could he reject them? Would that kick the Oculus out of his body? What would happen to them if he did? What would happen to _him_ if he did?

_'_ Fool! If you reject me the repairs I have made to you will fall away! I am all that is-'

'You know it really is rude to interrupt someone's thoughts, just because you can read someone's mind doesn't mean you should.'

'You dare to talk over me?! I am a-'

Len needed to stall and come up with a plan. 'Colossal pain in my ass, that's what you are. You can't bullshit a bullshitter, you need me far more than I need you.'

The silence surrounding them confirmed that. He held all the power here, he just wasn't sure how to use it. But the Oculus did. They had said that in time he would be able to learn to read their thoughts the same way they were reading his.

_No time like the present._

Focusing on what he wanted to know, he repeated it over and over in his mind. How do I reject the Oculus? What will happen to them? What will happen to me?

He could feel..something. Confusion, exhaustion, an overwhelming need for power, for control and for revenge. Flashes over images burst in front of him, millions of them, overlapping and unfolding before him.

A beautiful being with flowing red hair, surrounded by adoring worshippers.

Singing and dancing, a festival filled with flowers and colour.

Men and women dressed in gold bowing down in awe and reverence.

Thunder and lightning, unbearable pain.

Suffering, so much suffering.

The Time Masters.

He saw so much, too much. But he had his answers. He knew what to do now.

'If I reject you now, that's it for you isn't it? Whatever the Time Masters where doing to you made you weak, too weak to find a vessel if you escaped. You used all your power to leach your way into my body, then you kept me down so you could steal my energy and try and reclaim some of it. So when I reject you, that'll be it, you'll cease to exist. Which is what I was willing to die to do before.'

'You can't do this! My power must live on! My legacy, my-'

'Oculus,' taking a deep breath Len tried to steady his nerves. Thinking of Barry, Lisa and Mick he released his breath. 'Fuck I hope this works. Oculus, I reject you and all that you offer me. I reject you from my mind and I reject you from my body.'

'NOOOO!'

The smoke was back again, filling the room thick and fast. Everything was going dark. This time, Len really couldn't breath.

*

Walking into the med bay with the usual box of donuts and cups of coffee, Barry felt more optimistic than he had in a long time. Taking a seat next to Lisa on the small sofa they'd pulled into the room, he couldn't get over how much better he was feeling.

'Caramel latte, extra foam, extra caramel and a caramel iced donut.' Handing the goods over to Lisa he couldn't help but smile. It hadn't been easy finding the words to express how he was feeling, but Lisa had listened patiently. Their heart to heart that lasted well into the night, talking about everything that was bothering them and promising to be more open about their problems in the future.

He honestly felt lighter and for the first time in months he had genuine hope. 'It's like Lenny always says: 'Sometimes you just gotta have a little faith', Lisa had told him. It had been slipping away but his faith had been fully restored. Everything was going to be alright. He just knew it.

'You know those donuts are gonna rot your teeth, right?' Barry asked as he bit into his equally sugary jelly donut.

'Totally worth it, B! These are to die for! I'd eat them forever if I..' Trailing off, Lisa dropped her latte and donut, both falling to the floor with a splash and a thud.

'Lisa? You okay?'

'He's awake!' Jumping up Lisa sprinted to the bed, nearly slipping on the discarded donut.

Turning his full attention to the man in bed, he saw that for first time in months he was sat up unaided. Fully awake and alert a look of confusion gracing his features as Lisa threw her arms around him.

'Len! Len! Oh my god, you're awake, you're back! I've missed you so much, you jerk.' Pulling back from the hug, Lisa moved so Barry could take her place. Her smile unwavering as she took in the sight of her brother.

Barry edged closer slowly, trying to hold back the tears threatening to fall as he made his way to the other side of the bed. He was awake! _His Len was back_!

Unable to keep his cool any longer, he dove forward and pulled Len into a bone crushing hug.

'Baby, I missed you so much. I told you we'd get you back, that we just needed time! But how did you do it? How did you wake up?'

Len hadn't said a word. His eyes were darting round the room trying to take in as much of his surroundings as possible. He looked like a cornered animal, confused, scared and ready to attack.

'Who _are_ you people? And who the hell is Len?'

No, Barry thought to himself, _his_ Len wasn't back after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I swear it really won't always be this angsty! 
> 
> Comments/feedback are always appreciated :D 
> 
> Feel free to come say hi on [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/southernbluejay)

**Author's Note:**

> And thats the end of chapter 1! Hopefully chapter 2 will be up by this time next week.
> 
> Comments/notes welcome
> 
> I'm on Tumblr , come say Hi!
> 
> :)


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